If you're a Whisky connosr you're going to love this page. http://ow.ly/s4JB

Anyone have a Wave Invite? Thanks agin for the Brizzly invite.

Swine flu season is already in full swing on college campuses. When get drunk at frat party and make out season starts we're in trouble.

Having a salad for lunch. SOMEONE BRING ME ICE CREAM NOW AND NO ONE NEED GET HURT.

Sarah Palin jokes. Like shooting fish in a barrel from a helicopter.

Sarah Palin jumping over and back of an invisible line outside her house: "I'm in Russia. Now I'm not. Now I am. Now I'm not."

How the book was explained to Palin: "It's like the Facebook posts we write for you -- only more and on bound paper."

You want to be a hero? Shop at your Ma & Pa store. Support small business

Well, that's another Wal Mart I'm not allowed back into

Let's see if I get kicked out of Wal-Mart if I talk back to the self-checkout.

This shopping cart needs a horn.

In Wal-Mart, no one can hear you scream.

In a "White Trash" mood. Wear wife-beater, park car on lawn, breakfast at Denny's, shop at WalMart & talk about guns. Just call me Earl.

Peeing with the door open. BECAUSE I CAN.

2009 Sierra Firefighters Triple Threat Challenge October 2-4 2009 at the Grand Sierra Resort and Casino http://ow.ly/qqiT

At repair shop, getting lubed and muffled. Not as hot as it sounds.

I gotta go. Can one of you guys make fun of Glenn Beck for me until I get back? It's not that hard.

Just for fun. Alice in Wonderland Monologue/Mosaic/Song? http://ow.ly/rIWU

Kids and Fox News have a lot in comin They both try and drown out the other one so you cant hear anything.

Help, being attacked (dogpile) by little people.

After babysitting (ok in the same rm with), playing and feeding pre-schoolers, I think I can appreciate god's dilemma with man.

A more effective sign than "children at play" to slow drivers would be "Police hide with radar on this street" or "Police shot speeders"

Sesame Street, please stop putting your characters in kids' juice boxes. I just heard a kid ask for "Big Bird juice," and that's just wrong.

Helping Manuel look after his nephews/cousins.

Came back from the bank with 3 rolls of quarters in my front pocket. And discovered a great way to avoid having to share the elevator.

Latin is a cursed language. Everybody that ever spoke it is dead. Spooky.

MORE COFFEE OR THE PUPPY GETS IT.

National Coffee Day. I will celebrate with manic enthusiasm, interrupted only by a few hundred pee breaks.

I ate so much garlic tonight, vampire safe!

At Sports Bar: So, if you're a man's man, that mean's you're gay, right?

Joe the Plumber endorsing "MICROMAN USA". You would have thought "they" would have learned from the name "Teabagging". http://ow.ly/rxa2

Are E.T.s washing Fox News and saying "no intelligent life on that rock"

Quit your bitching and think of all the empty freeways in Africa starving for traffic.

All I have to say is that people should refrain from wearing shiny brown lipstick.

Just bought an Easy Button. Surprisingly cheap. Annoyingly ineffective.

The light at the end of the tunnel is flashing yellow. I'm not sure what to do.

The future is trying to kill me.

Does anyone have a Brizzly invite I can use? Thanks.

GUNS FOR VOTES?!? Things that make you go hmmm http://ow.ly/rsT8

It sucks that I'm old enough to say that I listened to Green Day BEFORE they discovered eyeliner. Ok it just sucks.

It must be Monday?!

"Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it fucked you."

It’s always fun when Jeanne wakes up pissed at me for something I did in her dream.

*sigh* she has cramps, which means for the next few days I'll be playing the part of an asshole.

Do I still have to go to medical school if I just wanna be the guy who yells "CLEAR"!?

“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” -Aristotle http://ow.ly/r7C6

Oh dear, I should sneak this dead body out of here. If the neighbors see I've killed yet another plant, my reputation will be soiled!

I'm dating the "Energizer Bunny" I can't walk straight. From dancing, get your mind out of the gutter.

Oh Sunday. Your quiet puts my mind at ease. But your promise of tomorrow reminds me of responsibility. Sunday, you are a fickle bitch.

Homemade french toast, bacon & OJ, with a side of smile. Pretty much the perfect breakfast. Ok, whose inviting me over.

Something about your 4 AM drunk and bitter tweets tells me you went out last night determined to get lucky, and failed.

I hate this whole "being up" thing.

Life is good!

Busted! Caught posting. later.

Love is.... sharing your croutons.

I could never wait tables; there's NO WAY I could ask customers if they wanted me to toss their salad without laughing.

At a restaurant. I see a couple, neither of them speaking to each other, bored waiting for food. So sad.

Three of us going out tonight dinner, walk by the river & dancing.

Motorcycles all over the place. Street vibrations weekend!!

Why would you beat a dead horse? Why would you beat a LIVING horse? Why would you beat a horse at all? Let's stop the horse beatings now.

The U.N. is about solving world problems, right? So why is all the news about the "MAD MEN"? I was waiting 4 some one to say "you lie"

Damn, I know the buffet on Wednesday was a big mistake. Gained 5lb. Have to dance it off tonight.

The problem with borrowing money from China is that an hour later, you just feel broke again.

Would u drink coffee made from beans that fall out of a CAT'S ASS? Now would u pay $600 a lb for it or $30 for a 4oz cup ? http://ow.ly/ra36

Oh you know, just another typical Friday night Googling "What to do on a Friday night".Maybe I should actually do it? What&ruin the fantasy?

Hotel rent sex toys!?! Really. http://ping.fm/r56Dl

RP: How disappointing. When you google "google" you actually get results. The screen should come up with "YOU FUCKING RETARD" instead.

Just for the cute factor. http://ping.fm/PwSuI

Hooray, email at 0! ...two ...three DAMN!

LOOK lady, I wasn't staring - I was admiring how well that bluetooth piece complements your wife beater & paint-splattered sweats ensemble.

Just got a package in the mail and was asked "Is it drugs?" I didn't know I could get them delivered!!! Now I hate this dumb camera.

Ever sit on the toilet so long you cut off circulation in your legs? Yeah, me neither. But... Can you help me stand up?

OH: You know it's bad when you have to give yourself a courtesy flush. Dame McDonalds.

I dont think there ever was a Hamburglar. If there really was a Hamburglar, he’d totally be on America’s Most Wanted.

Lunch time. Manuel wants McDonalds happy meal, its times like this I'm remaindered how young he is. I feel old :(

Things that make you go hmmm. If I were a terrorist, and I didn't want to be caught, I would lose the unruly beard. Just saying.

Susan Atkins has died. My heart goes out to the entire Manson Family (not). http://ow.ly/r5GN

Someday, I'm going to say something that will make you stop and say WOW!! .....someday.

Trying to read email....can't concentrate....may need to go steal the neighbor kid's Ritalin

My Gmail inbox is at 140—I always notice when things are 140!

RP: @wilw Not sure if this is funny because it's true, or sad because it's true. Maybe a little of both (picture, SFW): http://is.gd/3DnGW

RP:It doesn't take a genius to figure out that, if the new HIV vaccine is 31% effective, you now have to wear a condom only 69% of the time.

A 19-pound newborn? That baby's lifestyle disgusts me. http://ow.ly/qX3V

Now that Tom Delay is on dancing with the stars, I think it's time MC Hammer got into politics.

RP@thejohnblog Hey! If you watch FOX News without sound, but with audio of the "Munah-Munah" skit from the Muppet Show, it makes more sense!

RP @christophgreen: In honor of National Punctuation Day, I salute the semi-colon; its infrequent use must give many people pause.

With the right editing, my life could totally be a movie that goes straight to DVD (bottom shelf)

Picking my nose looking for an as yet undiscovered G-spot.

"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts." Albert Einstein

Decaf is to coffee what two people holding hands is to hardcore porn.

Why do they call it the *United* Nations?

Went to buffet. Bad idea. Still weigh less than before )'(

Something about Glenn Beck makes me want to kick him to his home planet.

Taking Manuel to the dentist

RP: AT&T. Try pouring some Drano® down your network to unclog things.

FDA Banishes Cloves From Cigarettes. I'm predicting groups of goths across the country will be wearing black in mourning. http://ow.ly/qD2z

Looked in the mirror with razor & shaving gel in hand and asked... What would Jesus do? Maybe tomorrow.

If God had had a Twitter account, it would have taken a lot more than six days to create the world....

I don't get this whole "safe sex" thing. I feel kinda dumb wearing a reflective vest every time.

It's like that woman had never seen someone crying at a ATM machine before. It's called a recession you judgmental wench.

The first day of fall is here. Autumn Begins!

I agree with Barney Frank, I miss Sarah Palin. She always made me laugh. From the Jay Leno show. She has a gift.

Received my first invite (verbal) for Halloween party. Havent even thought about costume. Any ideas? Underdog last year.

The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself. Benjamin Franklin

"find your father here" sign outside of the low income housing church is going to end in tears for some small child.

Almost forgot need to drop off some winter clothes at the mission.

Parenting tip(from nonparent):if your kids get 2 hyper, put on the death scene in TheLionKing & remind them it's the kids fault the dad dies

playground: kid having a tantrum, what lungs. Reminds me of the punk dance "the worm" no glass.

Happiness is like wetting your pants — everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth.

playground: Kids mom hasn't noticed that he has peed in his pants

I love having such a cute, well behaved kid on the playground. Which is why I should stick to borrowing this one and not have my own.

There's a room in Hell where you sit alone being forced to listen to nothing but Rush Limbaugh broadcasts.

We're in a RECESSION here. Some people just might call me a goddamn patriot for eating that cheese I dropped on the floor.

Making soymilk

Worlds Ugliest Women Shoes. My favorites are a toss up between Maxi Pads Slippers & Fish-Flops http://ow.ly/qoRo

I'm thinking of starting an insurance company. In small print "you can be denied a claim if you have had cephalgia in your past."

Any State with a Name that Begins with the Letter “U”. http://ow.ly/qq3Z

Tom Delay dancing with the stars tonight. "Break a leg" in fact you can break both legs, u have the health insurance.

If you could hear my stomach right now, you'd think tequila was picking a fight with beer. So, thats why i don't drink.

If I ever host a sports show, it will be called SportsTime, but it won't be very good because I dont really care about "professional" sports

So many guys in football jerseys at this bar. My shirt has a tiny silhouette of a polo player riding a horsey so I'm pretty sporty 2. Right?

Free Beer is my friends Bat Signal

I need to go too laundromat more often. That was quite the adventure.

A friend: I think the biggest difference between a PB&J sandwich and eating pussy is my mother gets rid of the crust on the PB&J.

I love "Tuesdays" let the adventures continue.

Some girls need to be more realistic about what's written on the back of their shorts, like this girl should have "LOT'S OF CHOCOLATE CAKE".

A friend: In the laundromat watching some stranger's panties on spin & says "this is the closest I'm getting to seeing any action tonight."

At laundromat: According to the kid next 2me, boogers taste like apple juice. Seems unbelievable, but ill need to take his word for it.

Going to laundromat to de-dust my sleeping bag.

A friend: "I just saw two boys outside playing cops and robbers. Idiots were totally clueless that they can play that same game on Xbox" :(

I think the baby next to me shit....smelling shit right now, so if it ain't the baby, one of you has a big fucking problem.

I was suddenly struck by a thought. Luckily, I wasn't injured.

At petstore: A fish is slapping a snail around the aquarium. I don't know if it's trying 2 hurt him, or he just hasn't said his safeword yet

I love Tuesdays

It's Tuesday NOW, because I say so!!

Is it Tuesday yet?

I can't wait for the future so I can romanticize this goddamned moment.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

Monday is the root of all evil.

♫Good Morning Good Morning to♫.... Oh fuck it where's my COFFEE!!

It wasn't me, It was the dog. (sorry Bear)

God. Neil Patrick Harris is going to get so much pussy tonight. His boyfriend is going to be.....

Scientists make paralyzed rats run again. It seems to me this will only make the rat problem worse. http://ow.ly/qfSN

If you rub Preparation H on certain people, will they disappear?

Insane killer and fair escapee arrested near Goldendale. http://ow.ly/qepW

Taking Bear 2c his friends at the doggy park

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem to be more afraid of life than death. James F. Bymes

Sarah Palin inspires new opera. Titled "Say It Ain't So, Joe." http://ow.ly/qdff http://ow.ly/qdfq

Today @ Legends Sparks Marina Navy Band Passages Free Concert! 3 to 5p http://ow.ly/qddR

Dropped the deodorant in the toilet. I guess I can still use it, though. Who will know? Besides all of you, I mean.

Twilight drops her curtain down, and pins it with a star. Good night all.

69, mmmmm. How I like that number.

Wow, It's surprising what a pair of 4 in stiletto heels will do to a casual black dress. Looks fine from back here!

Having a romantic dinner. Where are my pants?

Going 2 make beef stroganoff for dinner. Heh Heh..*stroking off*. Okay, so I'm 5 :)

I think it's going to be a quiet night at home. Need to spend some alone time with Jeanne. Mmmm romantic dinner, what 2 make!?

"You know he poops from there, right, jackass?" What my friends wife said to him.

20 Most Bizarre Craigslist Adverts Of All Time. Craigslist reputation for hosting some of the oddest adverts on the net. http://ow.ly/q7eV

FCC to Take a Stand on Net Neutrality. http://ow.ly/q78x

Backyard, coffee, paper, Bear by my feet. Life is good

Enjoying the morning

What a mess.Wheres the "vacuum". Here Bear, here Bear.

POPCORN FIGHT!!!

How am I supposed to sleep knowing that there are Death Eaters running amok!?

Harry Potter movie marathon.

Rewriting ‘God Bless America’. More hate. Wasn't it just 5 yrs ago it was "If you don't like it leave" http://ow.ly/q4g9

CNN's Rick Sanchez blasts Fox News Channel: You lie! http://ow.ly/q3ti

"If there are any questions, direct them to that brick wall over there." Network President

How does email pile up so? I'm reading them really.... here i go.

)'( BRC photo form sky. Can u c your camp/tent? http://ow.ly/pUSN

360 view Temple Burn pic http://ow.ly/pUQy

Ok, I'm going to sit down and read my email. After I check my post, post some pics & just say HI!

"University of I dont remember"

I don't have the energy to go out tonight. Maybe a nap would do it?

Tea baggers are at it again. So full of hate.

Still have the sore throat I woke up with. Hurts to swallow

Joe Wilson Voted to Provide Taxpayer Money for Illegal Immigrants' Healthcare. http://ow.ly/p3qH

It's nice to see an old guy driving a Prius. I mean, he's trying to save a planet he's not going to be on for much longer. That's nice.

Facebook Lite. http://ping.fm/OOv9O

Unpacking/cleaning covered in dust, feels good. Would it be 2 much if I rolled in it?

Should Joe Wilson be punished for shouting "you lie!" at President Obama last night? Vote in NPR Poll. http://ow.ly/oSwe

Whats happening in Reno, Nevada? Take a look at the Reno Passport. http://ow.ly/oRuv

I'm just gonna go ahead and assume that any family values candidate is humping something he shouldn't be.

Well, looks like Joe Wilson won the "Yell at the President and win a blowjob from Rush Limbaugh" contest.

I see normal people

Shower, warm bed, hot breakfast. Almost normal. Is that good?

Watch some news? See what Ive missed

back to the real life.