If I toggle real fast between MSBNC and Fox News, I think I can almost see the truth.

If Darwin's theory had been Survival of the Sittest, my lazy ass would be at the top of the food chain tonight.

Loving these sick care packages. Just might be sick all week. (wink, wink)

Black Friday * Cyber Monday * Encore Tuesday. Whats next? ??Leftover Wednesday??How else can we get into their wallets Thursday??

Well that didn't take long received my first "Sick Care Package" from aunt

Have a headache, fever, aches and pains. Can I get medical marijuana? ...you know, cuz I'm sick

Going back to bed.

Call from my mother 1st thing this morning because she had a dream about me. How do they know when your sick? My room must be bugged!

Up from nap. I had this nightmare it was dark

No day is so bad it can’t be fixed with a nap. NAP TIME!

What I need is an assassin on retainer. Just for days like this. lol

I'm posting so much I may unfriend myself. It's therapeutic somehow. It's either this or a shotgun.

Don't mute me, bro!

I’ll see your don’t give a rat’s ass and raise you a could give a shit.

I just censored myself so you KNOW it was bad.

What would Jesus buy? Nothing he would donate/volunteer to the less fortunate.

Had so much coffee this morning my mouth tastes like I went down on Juan Valdez. And his donkey.

Boy just came up2me with an idea4how to make $ to buy his ipod. It was essentially a simple Ponzi scheme. Whr do they pick up these things?

Love is.... Going out on Black Friday because she asked u 2. My new mantra. Love is... Love is...

I just saw a man in the parking lot either masturbating or having a seizure in his car.
Either way, I'm going to leave him alone.

Oh nothing, just gonna stumble around this parking lot until it's time to go.

Well, I wouldn't call it a "wanton orgy of blood" per se, Your Honor.

You need to get out here because if this goes bad I need someone to help me bury the body(s)!

Stupid people: Sure, it’s going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.

Some kid keeps spiting out the pacifier. Where's the duct tape when u need it? It would work!

Black Friday is a time for coming together and pushing old people out of the way for a good deal.

There r just certain places that unless u r 100% sure you can contain ur rage that you shouldn't go, this is one of them.

Black 'eye' Friday a national day of madness. Madness I Say! Shot me now, shot me now.

Parking Wars! IT BEGINS. help

4:15am Okay, ready to be Black 'EYE' Friday mule/blocker. Honey where's the taser?

Helmet: check. Elbow/knee pads: check. Brass knuckles: check. Ok I'm ready for tomorrow.

So am I crazy enough to go shopping on Black Friday?? I think not. ....yes, dear. What time dear? I'll set the alarm, dear. mumble..mumble..

I don't remember eating that seventh plate. I must be suffering yamnesia.

May tomorrow be a reflection of this day. Happy Thanksgiving.

If an alien was to watch commercials during a football game, it would think all we do is drink beer and talk on our cell phones with boners.

"...is a goddamned deadbeat, and his wife is a stupid whore. Happy Thanksgiving, you motherfuckers!
"Nobody gives a toast like grandpa."

At a loss for gratitude? Consider that you have a computer, web access, and the freedom to say ANYTHING you want.

Lord: We're grateful that our families haven't found us on Facebook/Twitter. That would be embarrassing for many of us. Amen.

Lettuce not forget the salad chopper this Thanksgiving. (ok, so shoot me. lol)

Having dinner w/my family tonight. Quick! I need conversation topics that prevent discussions of 1)my job or lack of 2)children 3)feelings.

'Bab' need some last min things from store. Going to help get some of the cooking started. Have a busy day ahead.

Off to do my "Thanksgiving thing" before spending it with family and friends.

Iam thankful for having some of the best people in my life and the best friends on this planet...especially my two special loves. S U later

2 days till the the country goes crazy as people are up before the light of day....to help their fellow man? Volunteer? Buy American? or....

BLACK Friday is something Obama started. Tea baggers unit and stop this government take over!!!

Friend just called to say that she's now a size 4. Her Xmas gift is going to be a 'cake of the month membership' (What the hell is a size4?)

Even my dog is angry at my morning breath.

T minus 3 days till the Running of the Fools. Not you dear.

"Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response." -- Mildred Barthel.

If you donate blood... does it have to be your own?

Friend: Went cougar hunting, at Victoria's Secret last night. He bagged him a wild one.

Black Friday is the day u can beat the crap out of someone over "Have to have that giant LCD TV or I'm worthless as a human bean" day!

Wonders how many people will be killed shopping on Black Friday?

Word Of The Day: Cobbler (shoe repair). Yes, they really do exist!

I think it's time I told my dog his adopted. I think he'll take it well, his mom was a bitch!

Black Friday is in 4 days, do we start camping at WalMart now or is that tomorrow night?

If u liked "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog". http://ping.fm/q0d0v You'll like the new Prequel. "Horrible Turn" http://ping.fm/RpFZi

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Don't worry. I tire me too.

pingfmPeople that should be first in line to get H1N1 flue shots: MALL SANTAS!

Okay, time to do some real shopping and supporting the local "Ma & Pa" stores.

I don't go to Walmart for the cheap prices. I go to Walmart for the adventure.

Slipping condoms into carts of little old ladies & watching the checker's reaction. (the devil inside)

Guys! Free pubes at Walmart!! There's TONS! I only took as many as I could carry! Hurry! THEY'RE FREE!!!

Today must be . “Beat the Shit Out of Your Child at Walmart Day.”

$5 DVD bin at Walmart. Swine Flu here I come.

In anticipation of the Healthcare Reform Walmart will be creating Clinics in the store. Walmart Hospitals to follow?! Sounds good.

Friends philosophy on a Cold: tequila a cold, vodka a fever or was it whiskey a cold, rum a fever? Same difference.

If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool ...too late. Hey, I never said I wasn't

It is remarkable how similar the pattern of love is to the pattern of insanity. -The Matrix Revolutions

Watching The Matrix Revolutions agin.

The only thing better than coffee in the morning is side boob.

Is it just me or do birth control packaging look like a roulette wheels? I don't feel good about this.